


Can't Remember to Forget You

by sanjariti



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Fluff, Bucky barnes x reader - Freeform, Bucky barnes/reader - Freeform, F/M, Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-02-06 18:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12823875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanjariti/pseuds/sanjariti
Summary: When you almost die in battle, a distraught Bucky - afraid of what will become of him if he loses you - decides to end things. But what happens when he loses his memory, only to end up falling in love with you all over again?





	1. i

You woke up to the delightful sight of your boyfriend, already awake, watching you sleep through heavy-lidded eyes. You smirked, turning over, stretching up just enough to press a kiss to his chin.

“Mmm, mornin’, doll.” His voice came out raspy and deep, still riddled with sleep.

“Hi, baby. How long have you been awake?” His hand ran up and down your arm, leaving you to trace random patterns across his naked chest, reveling in the feeling of his skin against yours.

“Not long. Just thought I’d admire ya for a little bit,” A tired smile tugged at his lips, filling your heart with love as you met his gaze. His eyes were soft, filled with the utmost adoration.

“It’s a little creepy, but at the same time, it’s cute.”

“I’m no creep! If anyone’s the creep, it’s you, doll.” You gasped, appalled he’d suggest such a thing.

“I am not!” He giggled, supporting himself on his elbow as he looked at you.

“I beg to differ! Who’s the one always in the gym, unannounced, just watching me workout? Hmm?” You tried to be serious, but how could you with the grin spreading across his face, his eyes lighting up as he waited for a reply?

“T-that doesn’t count, okay?” He roared with laughter, falling onto his back as he continued to laugh, with you giggling as you tried to get him to stop. “Not funny! I am  _ not _ the creep!”

“Okay, doll. I’ll let this one slide. This time.”

“There won’t be a next time, James.” He stopped laughing at the sound of his first name rolling off your tongue. Rolling onto his side, he pulled you into his chest. He ran his metal fingers through your hair, nails scratching gently against your scalp before he cupped your face in his palms. The way he touched you, so gentle and so, so sweet, was something you would never get tired of.

“I love you, James.” He smiled, rubbing his thumb across your cheek before leaning down, kissing you with all the love and passion he had for you. As he pulled away, you tangled your hand in his hair, keeping him close to you.

“I don’t deserve you, Y/N.”

“Keep telling yourself that, buddy. You’re stuck with me forever, no matter what.”

* * *

You and Bucky made your way to the conference room, the briefing for your mission just about to start. You slipped past the closing door, giving Tony and Steve a nod before slipping into your seats.

“Now that we’re all here, let’s go over the tactical plan,” Tony pulled up footage of covert agents walking through their base. “An unknown terror organization - linked to Hydra, as they confirmed for us earlier this month - have set up a new, larger base at the foothills of Hekla, a mountain in Iceland. The plan is simple: set up snipers - Barton and Barnes, spotters - Wanda and Peter, and the movement team, with Cap, Natasha, Y/N, and Vision. Lang and I will be the eyes in the sky, taking out targets from far away, keeping them from entering the base. Wanda, Peter,” Tony turned to face the pair on the farther end of the table, “your job is to stop everyone and anyone from entering the base once we’ve breached. There’s no windows, and only two exits. You’ll be fine. Snipers, as always, kill. Movement team will breach, then split up into pairs, each taking down two wings of the base. Cap, Natasha, north and east wing. Y/N, Vision, south and west wing. Got it?”

Everyone nodded, mumbling in agreement as they began to stand up.

“Alright then. Suit up - quinjet leaves in 20 minutes.”

* * *

 

**(Bucky’s POV)**

It felt like hours, but the battle had just begun. Clint and Bucky took out the tower and ground guards, giving Peter and Wanda the okay to begin taking out the rest of the tactical agents around the base. Scott and Tony gave the all clear from above, allowing the team to move forward. Bucky watched as you and Steve breached the main entrance of the building, Vision and Nat following close behind. Once you split up, he returned to his rifle, focusing on the imminent threats approaching.

Then, he spotted you. You had breached the southern wing, and had made your way to the upper, outdoor floors. He watched as you fought three guys at once, and his finger itched to pull the trigger on every single one of them. But, in one swift movement, you took down all three, disappearing from his view for just a moment, only to pop up again seconds later. He let out a sigh of relief, continuing to watch you as you made your way through the agents.

“She’s badass, Barnes. You got real lucky with her.” Bucky looked away, seeing Clint was still taking out agents from below.

“Yeah, I really did.” He turned back, searching for you on the upper level. He spotted you, knives in hand, taking on three guys once again. He saw one lunge at you, but you swiftly dodged him, throwing the knife, hitting him directly underneath his lung. He fell, and the other two charged at you, a third and fourth appearing out of nowhere.

“Fuck,” was all Bucky could manage to get out as he set up his gun, aiming and shooting the two agents that were coming from behind. You turned around, a smirk spreading across your face as you jammed your knives into the hearts of both men behind you. Bucky laughed, admiring the cocky side of you that came out during missions. As he fixed his gaze, he realized you had disappeared from view. Frowning, he continued searching, still not able to locate you. Voices started to erupt through the comms, just as Bucky spotted Vision appearing, leaning down onto the ground of the upper level.

“Miss Y/N is down.”

“Vision, take her back to the jet!” Steve’s voice rang sharply, followed by a second command. “Everyone pull back,  _ now _ .”

* * *

Shooting left and right, Bucky rushed back to the quinjet, Barton hot on his heels. Bucky spotted Vision a few hundred feet away, carrying you onto the quinjet, Natasha rushing in right behind him. Bucky amped his pace, pounding his feet into the ground as he tried to run faster. His heart was beating so erratically it hurt.

As soon as he boarded, almost out of breath, he looked up, meeting Natasha’s eyes. “She’s upstairs – I’m sorry, Bucky.”

“No, no!” Bucky pushed past her, running up the staircase into the medical bay, where he spotted you lying on a table, Helen and her team already at work. Helen spotted him from afar, a grimace on her face.

“Barnes, if you want her to live, you have to let me work.”

“Helen, please. Let me stay with her, please.” She noticed the strained, pained look on Bucky’s face, tears already escaping from the corners of his eyes.

“Fine. Margaret, the scalpel, please.”


	2. ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky makes a decision - but is it really a good idea?

“H-hey, man. How is she?” Sam stood by the doorway of the room, watching as Bucky looked at you, his grip on your hand tightening, hoping it would be just what you needed to wake up.

“Still the same. It’s been a week.” Bucky tore his gaze away from you, tears welling up as he met Sam’s gaze. He flashed a him a pained smile, turning back to you as he heard the doors open and close again. No one stayed for more than a few minutes, knowing it was better to leave Bucky alone with you.

He hadn’t left your side since they brought you out of surgery; he spent every waking minute in the same spot, holding your hand. He prayed that you’d somehow realize just how he needed you to wake up; to end the suffering he was going through.

Bucky blames himself. He knows it wasn’t really his fault, but he can’t help but think, if he had just gone with his gut, and taken out the men in front of you, they wouldn’t have tried to gut you like a fish. You wouldn’t be lying here, helpless.

_You’re weak. Useless. The Asset would have done a better job - she’d be alive and well, if it weren’t for your pathetic mistakes. Weak. She’s made you_ weak _._

The voice inside his head wouldn’t stop. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t ignore the self-loathing imploding within him. Soon enough, another voice joined in. One sparking fear; anxiety.

_If she dies, that’s it. You won’t have any reason to live. She’s the only one who could ever see past the monster you were - the monster you are. What will you do if she dies? Kill yourself? Or will the Asset return? Leave devastation in his wake? For her?_

He couldn’t take it. The voices in his head were right - what would become of him if she died? Would the Asset return? T’Challa had mentioned that strong emotional responses could trigger the rewiring.  _ I can’t risk that. I can’t do that to anyone.  _ His love, his attachment to you...it scared him.

_You would die for her. You should have. She shouldn’t be lying here. She didn’t deserve this. But, it’s what she gets for becoming involved with the likes of you. You caused this._

As Bucky continued to wallow in his harmful thoughts, Steve and Helen watched him through the glass doors.

“Are you concerned?” Steve let the question hang in the air, never taking his eyes off Bucky.

“About what, Captain?” Helen frowned as she glanced up at him.

“Bu-Barnes. I know T’Challa said a strong emotional response could trigger memories, and –“

“There is no reason to be concerned, yet. If things become worse with Y/N, then we should begin to proceed with caution. But only then, Captain. Mr. Barnes has a strong will. He won’t succumb to those memories as easily.” She gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder before walking back to the medical bay, leaving Steve alone. He sighed, resigning himself to doing what was right. As he moved to walk away, he locked eyes with Bucky. He motioned for him to stop, and Steve could see the fear flickering in his blue eyes as he made his way out of the room.

“Hey, Buck. Hey, what’s wrong?” Steve brought his hands up to Bucky’s shoulders as he heard Bucky struggling to breathe. “Bucky, you’re okay. Everything’s okay. Just breathe,”

“I-I have to stop it.” Bucky was gasping for air, his chest tightening with every breath he tried to take.

“Stop what?” Steve frowned.

“I have to end things. With Y/N. I have to stop loving her, Steve. It’s the only way.”

“What?”

“The only way to keep her safe, alive. It’s going to kill me if I lose her. But if I don’t love her, it can’t hurt.”

* * *

“You can’t do that to her, Buck. It’s going to hurt her so much.” Steve had coaxed Bucky into an empty room nearby, watching his best friend anxiously pace back and forth, his hands gripping his hair like he was going to yank it out.

“You don’t think it’s killing me? It’s better if she hates me so I can lose my attachment and all these feelings for her,”

“You love her, Bucky. Those feelings aren’t just going to disappear the moment you end things with her. She loves you, too. She won’t let you go without putting up a fight; you know that.”

“Then I’ll fight her. I’ll break her heart so she hates me. I don’t care; I’ll do whatever it takes. I have to keep her safe, Steve.”

“You do, Bucky! You’ve kept her safe since the moment she first got here! How can you not remember that? This is the first time she’s ever gotten hurt, and it was damn sure not your fault. You couldn’t have anticipated the enemy’s move - you’re not a psychic, Buck.”

“You don’t get it, Steve!” Bucky looked at him, his eyes lost. Steve’s breath got caught in his throat as he tried to respond, but no words came out. “If I lose her, I’m done for. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her. I’m scared. So fucking scared. She’s my other half, Steve, my goddamn soulmate! I need her, and if I lose her, I will be so fucked up. The day I lose her is the day you lose me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you think!


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky forces his heart to do something he doesn't want to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!

Even though he had decided to end things, Bucky refused to abandon you while you were still unconscious; he wasn’t completely heartless. He stayed by your side, like always, not wanting to raise suspicions about anything. He had confided in Steve, knowing he wouldn’t let slip his horrible decision.

He was scared, to say the least. He didn’t know how he’d react when you eventually woke up.

_ What if you can’t do it? What if you’re so weak, you end up staying with her? You’ve never been a man of your word. You left Steve, all those years ago. Remember that? Til the end of the line? Remember when you broke that promise? _

      He pushed the thoughts away, knowing that what he had decided was for your benefit; not his.

* * *

It felt like something was crawling on your skin, inching its way up your body, ever so slowly. You tried to open your eyes, but your eyelids were too heavy. You stretched, only to turn over on your side, a shooting pain spreading across the left side of your body. You groan, your throat burning from dehydration. You felt some pressure on your left hand, and you tried to pull away, only to hear a faint noise, a voice, sound over the buzzing in your ears.

“Y/N? Doll, can you hear me?” Bucky’s tightening his grasp on your hand, hoping - like always - that it’ll wake you up. You had suddenly started moving, and he was scared. You groaned again, curling up into the fetal position, pain etched on your features. Bucky rests his metal hand ever so gently on your cheek, feeling the warmth radiating from you. You sigh, appreciating the coolness against the growing heat spreading throughout your body. But, the pain returns. You yell out, biting the pillow as you try to bear the stabbing feeling in your stomach.

You hear some rattling noises, and finally get your eyes open. You’re blinded by the bright white lights of the room, barely managing to see Helen’s face hovering above you, a flashlight in her hand.

“Y/N? Y/N, can you hear me? It’s Dr. Cho.” You shut your eyes, a throbbing pain growing intensely in your head as you try to nod. “Y/N, I need you to tell me what hurts. Or at least, try to show me where. Can you do that for me, Y/N?” You nod once more, lifting your right hand up to your head.

“Okay, good job. Anywhere else?” You move your hand slowly down, flinching as you rest it on your lower stomach. You groan once you feel the pain returning. “Okay, Y/N, I’m going to check your stomach. It might feel cold for a little bit, okay?” You nod again, praying that your voice would return so you wouldn’t feel so helpless.

Helen grabbed the scalpel from the nurse, pulling your hospital gown up. She sighed, muttering something under her breath as she inspected the stitched area where you had been injured.

“Doctor, what is it? Is there something we can’t see?” The nurses across from Helen peered over you, trying to see what Helen was grimacing at.

“No. It’s just...it has to be phantom pain. No infection, no visible signs of distress, internal or external. Just to be sure, take her in for a full x-ray and CAT scan. I don’t want to risk anything slipping past me.” Helen said, removing her gloves while placing the scalpel on the medical tray behind her. She tossed her gloves in the garbage, making her way back to your bed.

“Y/N? It’s me; we’re gonna take you up for just a few more scans, to double check on that pain, okay? Do you want some water?” You nodded again, feeling more relaxed after the pain had finally subsided. You opened your eyes, just in time to see Helen return with a cup. You took it from her, downing the whole thing as fast as you could. You coughed, shaking your head as Helen asked if you were fine. You cleared your throat, trying to find the best words.

“Where, where is-is he? Bucky?”

“Right here, doll.” You sighed, watching Helen step aside, revealing Bucky, standing by the door. He smiled, his eyes sparkling as he walked towards you. Helen stopped him, whispering something in his ear before she walked away.

“What-what was that?” You gestured at Helen’s retreating figure.

“Just a reminder to go easy on ya, love. You still got a lot of healing to do, baby.” He sat on the bed, caressing your cheek with his metal hand, while he held your hands with the other. “I missed you.”

“Missed you too, old man.” You smirked, only to turn away, the pain in your stomach returning.

“Are you okay? What hurts?”

“It-it’s nothing; Helen said the scans will help, but it’s probably nothing.” You said, flashing him a small smile before curling up on the bed. He scooted over, resting his hand on your hip, running his fingers across the hospital gown as you bit down on the pillow.

“Barnes, it’s time.” Helen was at the door, two nurses with her. Bucky nodded, reluctantly standing up. He grabbed your hand, placing a light kiss on the palm of your hand.

“I’ll see you soon, baby. I love you.” You nod, smiling weakly as you curled up again.

Watching you being wheeled off by Helen and the nurses, Bucky tried his best to hold his composure just until you were out of sight. Once you had turned the corner, giving him one last wave, he let out a sigh of relief, only to be startled by a tight grasp on his shoulder.

“Still haven’t let out the secret, have you?” Tony’s peering up at Bucky, dropping his hand to his side as he turns around.

“What-what secret, Stark?” Bucky’s clamming up, praying that Steve didn’t actually let anything slip.

“The party, tin can. Remember? Surprise party, for Y/N?”

“O-oh, right. Shouldn’t we tell her? What if she doesn’t want one?”

“My tower, my party. Besides, you can keep her busy if she doesn’t want to come, right?” Tony said, clapping his hands before leaving Bucky alone in the hall.  _ I doubt I will. _

* * *

“When are you gonna do it, Bucky? I can’t handle this for much longer.” Steve’s pacing back and forth in Bucky’s room, while he sits on his bed, head in his hands.

“I-I don’t know, Steve, okay? I didn’t think it’d be this soon...I thought I’d have time to actually prepare what I was going to say, and-”

“And what? Bucky, she’s walking around the tower like nothing’s changed! Yet, here we are, discussing when you’re going to burn her world down.”

“Don’t fucking say that, Rogers. Don’t.” Bucky’s glaring at Steve, who’s stopped in front of him, a frown on his face.

“It’s the shit truth, and you know it. Get it over with already, Barnes. And don’t you dare give me hell when she comes running to everyone else but you.” Steve spat the last words at Bucky, walking out, slamming the door shut. Bucky fell back on his bed, slamming his fists against the mattress as he groaned.

_ Why the fuck is this so hard? _

* * *

Bucky let slip the secret party Tony was planning in honor of your managing to come back alive, and although you were exhausted from being bedridden for some time, you didn’t think it was a terrible idea, like Bucky.

Which surprised you, really. Usually, he was okay with the parties, as long as he had you with him to distract from all the commotion and music. It struck you as odd, the way Bucky had been acting since you’d been released from medical.

The two weeks leading up to the party, you started noticing how Bucky seemed...off. First, it was the lack of goodnights. He’d go to bed earlier than you, without warning.

Then it was the lack of good mornings. He’d wake up before you, leaving a pot of cold coffee waiting, with a note saying he was either in the gym or at weapons training with Tony. You didn’t let it get to you;  _ maybe he’s just stressed. _

The past week hit you in all the wrong ways. He avoided your gaze; avoided you in the halls; just completely avoided your presence. He didn’t even sleep in the same bed as you anymore - claimed it was nightmares again, and he didn’t want to do anything to mess up your healing. You’d finally had enough, the day before the not-so-secret party.

You caught Bucky eating breakfast in the kitchen, playing around with his phone as he ate cereal. You watched him from the hall, leaning against the wall, your legs still somewhat weak.

“A miracle. I’ve finally caught the famous James just before he leaves for the day.” He looks up at you the moment his name rolls of your tongue, his blue eyes wide as he watches you move to the opposite side of the table. “To what do I owe the great honor of being in your presence,  _ James _ ?” You hissed his name, not even attempting to hide the pure anger you’d been holding in. You watched him give you one last look before looking down at his cereal, pushing the bowl away from him. He rose from his seat, grabbing his leather jacket off the counter.

“Where  _ the fuck _ do you think you’re going?” You scoffed, crossing your arms across your chest as he stopped dead in his tracks.

“I don’t have time, Y/N. We’ll talk later.” Without turning back, he walked out, leaving you more hurt than ever before.

* * *

You were curled up on the couch, watching some random movie you’d found on Netflix, when you heard the lock of the door click. You sighed, grabbing a tissue to wipe away any evidence of your earlier breakdown. You took a sip of water as you heard the door close, Bucky’s heavy footsteps making their way in. Then nothing.

It’s quiet, and you’re scared to turn around. You’re scared to face him. Your mind’s convinced of one thing, your heart of another. Only, he’s the one who knows. He’s the one who’ll light the match to bring everything down in flames.

You sense him moving behind you, and you can’t make yourself turn around. With tears slowly escaping you, his lips grace the top of your head, pressing a gentle kiss on top. Then he’s gone.

You feel like you’re choking, gasping for air, but you can’t turn around. You’re rooted to the spot, unable to move, breathe, even think.

_ He’s back. _

You hear him shuffling around the kitchen, and you’re stuck. You feel like you’re falling, even when with your back pressed against the sofa cushions. That’s when you hear it. It’s faint, it’s quick, but it’s there, hanging in the silence.

“ _ Please _ ,” That’s all it takes for you to let out a broken sob, your hands gripping your knees so tight, your knuckles are straining. You can’t say anything, even though you have to, you need to.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t - I can’t do  _ this _ anymore.”

How? You don’t even realize you’ve whispered that out into the open until you hear his voice, pleading.

“Y/N,  _ please _ . Please, I just can’t. I can’t handle it.” You hear his footsteps, thinking he’s just walked out of your life forever, without an explanation or a last word. Then his lips are on your neck, giving you one last moment together.

Warm. Soft. _ Gone. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Y/N learn to cope with their losses.

“Do I have to go?” The words tasted bitter as they left your mouth. It was 4 in the morning, and you were sitting in Steve’s bedroom, Wanda massaging your back.

“The party is for you, Y/N. It’d be rude not to.” Steve frowned, knowing those weren’t the words you wanted to hear at a time like this.

“Don’t let him ruin your party, darling. He’s not worth it.” You winced at Wanda’s words; you didn’t want to remember what had just happened hours earlier.

“It’s late, and I’m gonna be too exhausted for it. I don’t even have anything to wear.” You whined, closing your eyes as you slumped against Wanda’s chest.

“I can help with that,” Natasha’s voice echoed in the hall, her red locks poking through Steve’s door. She walked in, locking it behind her. “I’ve got amazing taste, and I know your size, Y/N. I’ll find you something that’ll make you feel amazing. Now, how does going to sleep right now sound?” She smiled, even when her glassy eyes betrayed her.

“Excellent idea; Vis will take you to your room.” On cue, Vision strolled through the wall, wearing a small smile. You waved at him, letting Wanda help you up into his arms. Once you were out of the room, Natasha shut the door, sliding down to the floor. Wanda fiddled with her hands, quiet sniffling coming from them both.

“I know it hurts, but can you even imagine how she must be feeling? She stopped crying hours ago. It’s scaring me.” Steve mumbled, running his fingers through his hair as he paced around.

“Barnes is a complete imbecile, and I hope he knows that.” Wanda said, her anger slipping out with her words.

“The fucker really knows how to time his actions, doesn’t he? God, I can’t believe he’s this stupid.” Natasha muttered, slowly getting up. She walked over to Wanda, helping her off the bed. “I’m gonna make sure he understands the full extent of his damage. He’s gonna fucking regret what he did.”

“Believe me, I know he will.” Steve watched the pair leave, and soon as Nat shut the door, he threw his bedside lamp at the wall. It shattered, broken shards falling to the floor. Steve had no doubt that’s what your heart looked like right now. “Goddamn it, James.”

* * *

“Holy shit.”

They were the only words you could come up with as you stared at yourself in Wanda’s mirror. Natasha had handpicked a beautiful, sleek red dress for the night, and you couldn’t believe how amazing it looked. The sleeves barely hung off your shoulders, the sweetheart neckline modestly revealing; the hem fell mid-thigh, and it hugged your body in all the right ways. The deep red complimented your eyes, bringing out a sparkle you never noticed before.

Wanda had braided your hair after your shower, and were you glad she had. Your wavy locks framed your face perfectly, and it didn’t outdo the subtly beautiful makeup Nat had put on you.

“Holy shit is right, babe. Here, take these - they won’t kill your feet, I promise.” Natasha handed you a pair of black velvet pumps, the heel just tall enough for you to tower over her. She was right - they were like heaven on your feet.

“Ugh, now everyone’s gonna be staring at me all night - why did you have to make me look so good?” You giggled, admiring yourself once more in the mirror as the ladies finished touching up on their own looks.

“It’s your party! The star of the show has got to be the best looking all-around. You’re gonna break some hearts tonight.” Your smile faltered at Nat’s words, but you were determined not to let anything ruin tonight - it was your party, after all.

* * *

Like all of his parties, Tony liked to make a big show. He had instructed Peter to let him know when you were ready so he could give a big speech before you walked in, since you were the ‘woman of the hour’. Wanda, Natasha, and Peter walked with you to the deck, Tony’s voice bellowing through the speakers, loud cheers erupting past the massive doors.

“Well, enough about that. Let’s all raise a glass and welcome the hero of the day, Y/N!” Natasha opened the doors, Peter and Wanda behind you as you entered. Loud cheers, clapping, and whistles could be heard all around the room as you smiled and waved, heading straight for Tony. He welcomed you with open arms, a cheeky grin on his face.

“There she is!” You laughed, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek as he hugged you.

“Thanks for all this; even though you would’ve done it no matter what happened.” Tony mockingly gasped, narrowing his eyes as you pulled away.

“How dare you hurt me like this! By the way, I made sure we were fully stocked with jello shots for you - a personal gift from me.” He winked, pointing to the bar, where Natasha and Wanda were already waiting for you. “Also, make sure Parker doesn’t swipe any - he may be an adult, but he’s still 12 to me.” You laughed as you nodded, leaving him to make your way to the bar.

Once you resurfaced from the massive crowd of agents and medical personnel, you locked eyes with the one person you had hoped to ignore.

He was sitting at the far end of the bar, his back leaning against the counter, a neat Scotch in one hand, his metal arm wrapped around the waist of an elegantly dressed brunette. His smile faded when your eyes met, jaw tensing as he watched you walking towards the bar. You looked away, knowing that staring at him would do nothing to help the painful ache in your heart. You heard a whistle come from his direction, and as you looked up, you saw his glaring eyes following Sam and Steve as they walked up to you, pulling you into their arms.

“Damn, Y/N! Lookin’ even more gorgeous than usual, how is that even possible?” Sam laughed, his breath smelling of whiskey and gin. Steve hugged you next, pressing a quick peck to your cheek.

“Sorry about Sam - he wanted to get started early on the fun. You do look amazing, though. Like always.” You pulled away, warmth creeping up your cheeks as you giggled.

“Thanks, Steve. Hopefully a couple jello shots will get me all giddy like Sam here. I really need it now.” Steve glanced back, meeting Bucky’s gaze for a few moments before he turned to the girl on his arm. Steve rolled his eyes, sighing as he held you in his arms.

“Don’t worry about him at all. Tonight’s all for you. Let go and enjoy, sweetheart!”

“I intend to, Rogers!” You pulled away, Steve and Sam laughing as you finally made it to the bar, the bartender pulling out a tray with an obscene amount of cups.

After the first four shots, Natasha pulled away the tray, handing it back to the bartender.

“Whyyy would you do that, Naaat! I wanna have fun tonight, and you’re ruining it!” You whined, trying your best to get the attention of the bartender.

“Because, you’re trying to have fun too fast. Why don’t we go dance for a little, and then we’ll come back for more, hm?” Nat turned to help you up, only for Wanda to stop her.

“I don’t think that’s the wisest idea right now.” She whispered, hoping you wouldn’t catch on. You faced the dance floor, and understood what Wanda meant.

Bucky was at the heart of the floor, three women surrounding him on all sides. He was laughing, a toothy grin gracing his features as he spun around the brunette from earlier, two blondes dancing next to him. You didn’t think the pain in your heart could get any worse, but he proved you wrong.

You held on to Natasha’s arm tightly, digging your nails into her skin. She didn’t flinch; instead, she moved into your field of vision, blocking you from the scene playing out.

“We need to go.”

“No, please.” You pleaded, even when you knew Nat was right.

“Give him a taste of his own pathetic medicine - Steve’ll take you back.” She stepped away, waving Steve over from the other side of the room. Natasha caught Bucky watching out of the corner of her eye, his smile faltering as he watched his best friend cross the room.

“What’s up?”

“I need you to take her back to her room; she can’t handle seeing this, and I’m about two seconds away from pummeling Barnes straight into hell.” Natasha growled, shooting Bucky a dirty look from where they stood. Steve nodded, not even daring to glance back at Bucky. He walked over to you, a small smile on his face as he reached out to you.

“Hiya, sweetheart. I hear it’s time to move the party upstairs - you ready?” You took hold of Steve’s hands, rubbing your thumbs across his knuckles.

“Do we have to? I can’t move.”

“I’ll carry you, c’mon.” He stepped to your side, tucking his arm under your knees. You giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck as you rested your head against his shoulder. Steve rubbed your back as he lifted you off the barstool, making his way to the elevators.

As he walked away, Natasha and Wanda caught sight of Bucky staring at him, his eyes almost black. He watched the way Steve caressed your back, the sleepy smile on your lips as you looked up at him through your eyelashes.  _Fucking stop it. She’s not yours anymore._  He turned back to the girls dancing with him, even though all he could see was your face, everywhere.

“I’ve had enough of this.” Natasha hissed, making a move towards the floor, but Wanda grasped her shoulder, holding her back.

“Don’t. Let him be jealous. This is only the beginning for him, Nat.” Natasha groaned, stepping back towards the bar. Bucky glanced over at them, and Nat ever so kindly flipped him off. “Natasha, we’re not teenagers!” Wanda whispered.

“You didn’t let me at him, Wanda. Otherwise, we would’ve settled this like the adults we are.”

* * *

A few months had passed since the breakup, and everyone in the tower was well aware. Steve and Sam always sat next to you during mission briefings, worked out with you, even eating all three meals each day with you. Everything and anything to avoid having Bucky stumble upon you, alone.

Today, you were in the gym with just Sam, after Steve got pulled away by Tony. You were spotting him in the weights section when the doors opened.

“Back already, Rogers?” You joked, turning around. Your blood ran cold at the sight of Bucky staring at you.  _Fuck._

You immediately closed your mouth, turning back to Sam. He met Bucky’s gaze in the mirror, giving him a head nod before glancing back at you.

“Y/N, your turn. I got you.” You nodded, scrambling over to the other side of the weights section, where you wouldn’t be able to see Bucky through the mirror. Sam followed you, feeling Bucky’s intense stare on him.

“Girl, you can handle more than that weight. You’re shaping up well, honest to god!” Sam practically hollered, making you laugh at his flirting attempts. You glanced over your shoulder, blowing him a kiss and winking before adding another 10 lbs. To the bar.

“Atta girl, look at you.” Sam laughed, a cheeky smile greeting you through the mirror. You bantered back and forth like that for the rest of the training session, until you saw Tony and Bruce needed to see you.

“I’ll meet you in 30 for dinner, right?” You said, wiping your face with the towel Sam had brought you.

“Sounds good - wear something nice.” He winked, grinning.

“When do I not, Wilson?” You smirked, throwing the towel in his face before sprinting out of the gym.

Sam laughs, walking to the laundry baskets, tossing the used towels in. Next thing he knows, he’s up against the wall, his arm pressed against his back.

“Don’t fucking toy with her, Wilson.” Bucky growled, his metal arm adding more pressure as he pushed Sam against the wall.

“Man, what in the fresh hell?”

“You heard me - back the fuck off.” Sam rolled his eyes, kicking Bucky swiftly in the knee. He toppled over, releasing Sam as he sank to the ground.

“You dumped her, remember? You’ve been going out every night to forget her, and yet here you are, Barnes; get over it, and leave her the hell alone!”

Sam practically spat the words in Bucky’s face before heading into the showers. Bucky just laid there, pummeling the ground with his fists.

“Fuck this.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loss manifests in multiple ways. Some more painful than others. Or are they?

_Another sleepless night._  As always, you found yourself in the living room, sprawled out on the massive sofa, blankets surrounding you. The TV was on, but you had muted it some time ago, finding solace in the silence.

You were curled up on one side of the couch, absentmindedly watching the flickering images on the screen while someone clattered about in the kitchen. You peered over the sofa to spot the source of the noise, skin crawling while you silently prayed that it was anyone but him.

Thankfully, it was. Steve was rummaging through the cabinets, clad in his new stealth suit. You sighed, sinking back down underneath the blankets.

“Sorry if I woke you up, doll.” You smiled, turning over to face the kitchen.

“You didn’t. You already knew that, though.” Steve glanced back at you, a small smile appearing for just a few moments.

“Yeah. Are you coming to the send off in the hangar? I know Wanda would love to say goodbye.”

“We said goodbye last night, Rogers. You’re not gonna trick me into going that easily.” Steve turned to face you, leaning over the island counter. His smile had fallen, his head falling over slightly. He let out a long sigh before rising.

“I know. I just think it’d be a good thing, to, you know, let some words out? Just in case?” You frowned, throwing a pillow at Steve’s head. He caught it, looking down at it before tossing it onto the other side of the couch. “No need for that.”

“I have nothing to say to him. I never will, Steve. Let it be.”

* * *

_I’m never going to hear the end of this._

You begrudgingly walked down the staircase of the hangar, spotting Wanda and Tony by the quinjet. Natasha was right behind you, discussing training schedules with Clint and Scott. You pulled the blanket wrapped around you even tighter, praying it would just swallow you whole right in that moment.

Once you reached the group, your heart almost stopped.  _There he is._

Bucky met your gaze as soon as he heard you walk up, and his heart felt like it had just been stabbed. He looked away, letting his long locks fall forward to hide his face. He couldn’t look at you without feeling guilty and regretful. And he wanted to feel anything but that.

“Well, it’s time. You guys’ll be back in no time! 4 weeks, in and out; a piece of cake.” Tony said, smiling as he stepped to Steve’s left, grasping the super soldier’s shoulder. You stayed behind everyone else, letting them say their goodbyes first. It went by faster than you had hoped; you had no idea what you were going to say.

You walked up to Wanda first, cupping her face in your hands. She leaned into your touch, placing her hands on top of yours. Giggling, her smile sparking your own.

“Don’t miss me too much, sweetheart.” She winked, and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“You know I always do, babe.” You pressed a quick kiss on her nose before pulling her into a hug, Natasha laughing from behind you both. Once you pulled away, you both stuck your tongues out at her.

Then you moved on to Steve. He quickly pulled you into a hug, his arms pressing you tight against his chest. He buried his face in your hair, causing you to laugh once more.

“This isn’t goodbye forever, weirdo. I’ll see you soon.” Your words were muffled by his chest, but you felt the vibrations of his laughter as he slightly pulled away.

“I know. I’ll miss you nonetheless.” His smile made you lightly slap his chest, causing him to laugh once again.

“Cheesy fucker. I hate you.”

“Aw, now do you really want those to be your possibly last words to me?” He grinned, tilting his head to the side as you hit him again.

“Stop it, you morbid ass! I love you, okay? Come back alive, idiot.” You smiled, hugging him once more before pulling away.

“I promise.” He let go, and you made the mistake of stepping to your right.

Bucky was staring right at you, his jaw tense. He was biting down hard on his lip, a small dot of blood appearing below his teeth. You stop dead in your tracks, watching the way his eyes are taking in your entire appearance.  _No._

“No what?” Bucky growled, his eyes narrowing as he took a step towards you. You hadn’t realized the word had slipped out, so you stepped back, almost tripping over the blanket. You looked at him once more before turning around, walking past everyone.

As soon as you were out of the hangar, you let out a shaky breath. Sinking down onto the ground, you felt your tears roll down your cheeks, your heart racing.  _Why me? Why does he always do this to me?_

* * *

Three weeks had passed since Steve, Wanda and Bucky had left for Europe, and everything had been going just fine. You were finally getting some sleep, and your training regime was getting tougher, since Helen said you were fully healed and ready to get back into the swing of things.

You were with Clint and Bruce in the labs overlooking the main hangar, studying the newest tech he and Tony had created for your weapons, when an alarm sounded. Bruce ran over to his computer, noting that the alarm was for an emergency landing.

“Emergency landing? Who is it?” Clint asked, his brows furrowed as he looked out into the hangar, where personnel were already opening the doors, lining the runway with cones.

“It’s the quinjet; they’re back already.” You thought this time was for real; your breathing was cut short by Bruce’s words, and your heart felt like it was either going to burst or completely stop of its own accord.

You and Clint ran out of the labs, Bruce following close behind. You entered the hangar first, spotting Helen and her emergency medical team stepping out of the elevators, a gurney rolling alongside them. Clint caught up to you, pulling your arm to hold you back.

“Y/N, wait. Medical emergency happened; someone’s hurt.” You looked at him, your eyes wide as you immediately thought of the worst possible scenario.

“Who is it, Clint? Wanda?” He was about to reply, when the roaring sound of the quinjet’s engines overpowering your hearing. You looked back, seeing the jet barely stop before the medical team moved in. You stayed put, knowing it would do you no good to fight Clint and Bruce at a time like this.

You watched them pull away, rolling the gurney quickly. A hint of silver hanging off the left side of the bed pulled at your heartstrings as the team made it into the elevators.  _Bucky._

* * *

“So what exactly happened?” Tony was pacing back and forth, arms crossed on his chest as he awaited a reply.

“Hydra agents. They got to him when Wanda wasn’t looking, and drugged him with something way too strong. We were able to stop them from taking him, but he hasn’t woken up since it happened. It’s been over a week, and since we had done all the recon we needed, we knew we had to come back.”

“And what’s the verdict from Helen?” Natasha’s voice brought you back to reality; your mind was racing along with your heartbeat. You hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything since you found out Bucky had been injured.

“A coma. She doesn’t know how long it’ll last, but she is concerned. She doesn’t know how or who he’ll be if and when he wakes up. For all we know, the drugs could’ve rewired him, bringing back the Asset.”

“Which is why a team of five will be watching him at all times. We need to be prepared for anything. Cho is working on a serum antidote, in the hopes of sedating him if he does present as the Soldier.” Not again.

You rose from your seat, heading out of the conference room before anyone could ask you what was wrong.

_Even when he’s not here, he’s still fucking with me. Goddamnit._

* * *

Friday had summoned everyone to the main living room, where Tony, Steve, and Helen stood at the forefront. You found a spot between Natasha and Vision, squeezing in just before Helen began to speak.

“As you all know, Bucky has been in a coma for the past month. This morning, he woke up.” There were audible gasps throughout the room, but you kept your lips pursed. You heart started to race once again, but you were determined to hold your own. Never again.

“The drugs, thankfully, did not trigger the Asset. However, it seems that they did have some effect on his memories. As of right now, my team and I have been able to determine that Barnes has no recollection of absolutely anything from the past three years. The last memory he vividly remembers is of being in Wakanda, with King T’Challa. He does not recall returning to New York, nor does he recall joining the Avengers, or meeting some of you.” Natasha gripped your hand tightly when she felt you lean forward, your heart beating loudly in your ears.

“It’s okay.” She whispered, her other arm wrapping around your shoulder as she pulled you into her side. You leaned into her embrace, feeling like you were losing your footing in reality.

“Unfortunately, with all cases like this, it is very difficult to determine whether it is permanent or temporary. Mr. Barnes has been cleared psychologically and physically, so he will be returning to his daily life soon. We will continue to check in with him and the state of his amnesia, but we wanted to give you all a forewarning that he may or may not know you.”

* * *

You were sitting on your bed, Wanda mindlessly tracing patterns on your back as Natasha and Steve discussed the news.

“So, we can definitively say Bucky won’t remember Y/N. Helen said he doesn’t remember anything from the past three years; they met after he joined the team, Steve!”

“It doesn’t matter! Helen said seeing the people could trigger his memory; just hearing their names doesn’t do anything. That’s why she’s easing him back in by having us visit him, one by one.”

“And did he recognize you?” Your voice pierced the tense air, and everyone turned to look at you. It was the first time you had spoken since hearing the news, hours ago.

“Yes. But he’s known me forever, doll. We just don’t know what to expect.” Steve came over to you, the bed dipping as he sat down. He pulled you onto his lap, his arms wrapping around you to pull against his chest. He kissed the top of your head softly, rubbing your arms as you quietly cried. “It’s going to be okay.”

* * *

“Ready?” Helen looked up at you, her clipboard in hand. You nodded, your breath caught in your throat. You swallowed thickly, letting out a shaky breath before following her into the room. Three agents were inside, just in case your presence triggered any response from the Asset instead of Bucky.

“Bucky, this is Y/N. She’s one of your teammates, and she wanted to come say hi, and welcome back.” Helen stepped to the side, just as Bucky turned around.

When your eyes met, you swore the world stopped spinning. They were still as bright and glimmering as they were the last time he smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Hi, Y/N. A pleasure to meet you, uh, again. Sorry.” He shrugged his shoulders as he held his hand out; his flesh one. You nodded, swallowing again as you shook his hand.

“Not your fault, Bucky. It’s nice to see you. It’s been awhile.” He chuckled, rubbing your thumb for a split second before letting go of your hand.

“So I’ve heard, ha. Well, hopefully we can make some new memories, right?” He met your gaze once more, a toothy grin pulling at his lips as he ran his hand through his hair.

“What are friends for, Barnes?” You smiled, rubbing your arm as you heard him laugh again.

“You’ve got a point there, Y/N. Sam was right; you’re funny!” He blushed as soon as he said it, and you couldn’t help but giggle by how flustered he got. Maybe being friends wasn’t going to be as bad as you had thought.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and you become friends again.

No one thought it possible. And yet it happened. You and Bucky began a new friendship with one another, and it was as if the past year had never happened.

The first few weeks where Bucky settled back into the swing of things, he always asked you and Sam to spend time with him. Whether it be in the gym, training, watching tv, or just eating dinner next to each other, he always wanted to have your company around. It really did surprise everyone that you were fine with befriending the man who broke your heart, but you also have a valid reason why.

* * *

“He doesn’t remember anything; how can you expect me to hold a grudge against someone who actually can’t remember what he did?” Sam, Wanda, and Natasha just stared at you as you tried to put reason behind your actions. Sam scoffed, raising his hands up in surrender.

“There’s no arguing when it comes to you. Man, I would go ballistic if I found out this was just some charade the tin man pulled.” Wanda smacked him in the head, a loud yelp echoing. “What was that for?!”

“Being an idiot. Do you really think Bucky would go so far as to do that?” Sam soothed the back of his head before shrugging, glancing over at you and Nat.

“He’s-He was suffering; I know it’s not what you want to hear from me, but it’s true. He was, and I wouldn’t put it past him to do something like this just so he can have you back.” You rolled your eyes, slumping down onto your couch.

“Helen told me herself that the amnesia is real; they put him through a bunch of tests to make sure. He can’t remember anything.” Sam sat down on the edge of your bed, joining Natasha. Wanda walked over and joined you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. You closed your eyes, the tears already so close to slipping.  _Not this again._

“It’s going to be okay. You’re doing what’s best for you. That’s all that matters. If you want to be friends with him again, then do so. There’s no harm in friendship.”

“Even when it’s with her douchebag ex?” Nat huffed under her breath, rolling her eyes as she fell back on the mattress.

“Natasha!” You glanced over at her and Sam, their sullen expressions doing nothing to comfort you.

“She’s got a point, Wanda. But still. I stand by my reasoning. He doesn’t know what he did, so there’s no point in hating him. Besides, I’m not about to make him hate me all over again. I’d rather be friends. End of discussion.”

* * *

Sleepless nights had struck once again, pushing you back into your night owl habits. You bundled yourself up in your favorite blanket, making your way down to the main living room for some snacks before heading to the theater to watch some random movie. You paused right outside the doors to the room for just a moment, when you spotted the familiar flickering of the tv behind the frosted glass.  _Another insomniac, great. It’s contagious._

You sighed, praying that whoever it was would leave you alone; they wouldn’t fare well with a sleepless, exhausted Y/N. No one ever did.

You made a beeline for the kitchen, noticing that thankfully, it was empty. You hurriedly peeked in the cabinets, hunting down your favorite cookies and muffins -  _might as well run off a sugar high_  - when you heard shuffling.

“Trying to make a getaway outta here?” Bucky’s voice echoed quietly in the vast space, and you stopped moving, glancing over your shoulder. You simply shrugged, bringing your arm down from the cabinet. “I promise not to tell Tony if you feel like you’re being kept prisoner here.”

You chuckled at his words, averting your gaze when you felt him looking at you. “No, no getaway; at least not tonight. I just can’t sleep…again.”

“Again? Insomnia?” Bucky tilted his head in confusion. You met his gaze, shrugging your shoulders in response.

“Not really. It’s been awhile since the last time this happened. Nothing to worry about though, Bucky.” You smiled, turning back to the cabinets.

“If, uh, if it’s any consolation, I haven’t been able to sleep either. Not since I woke up, actually.” You froze, a flood of memories overwhelming you.

* * *

> _“Baby, please go back to bed.” He was walking towards you, his arms out, waiting to meet you. You yawned, rubbing your eyes as you collided with his chest._
> 
> _“No; if you can’t sleep, I don’t sleep. That’s the rule, remember?” You mumbled into his chest, still half asleep._
> 
> _“A dumb rule, at that. I might as well make the best out of having you up, hm?”_
> 
> _“Don’t get any kinky ideas, Barnes.” You muttered, slapping his chest as he laughed._
> 
> _“Whoa there, it’s much too early for that, doll. Also, this just proved you’re the one with the dirty mind here.”_
> 
> _“I am innocent. What were you talking about, then?” You yawned once more, feeling the vibrations off Bucky’s chest as he laughed._
> 
> _“Sure ya are, dove. How about the story?” You looked up at him, his blue eyes pleading with yours as he smiled._
> 
> _“Really? I didn’t think you actually listened to me.”_
> 
> _“Just because I fell asleep during it doesn’t mean I didn’t hear at least some of it, baby. Besides, I love hearing it. Reminds me of how lucky I am.” You rolled your eyes at his words, pecking his cheek before pulling away._
> 
> _“That hurt. Doesn’t my presence alone remind you of that?” You grabbed his hand, pulling him back to your shared room._
> 
> _“Yes it does, doll. But hearing you talk about the day we met…I don’t know, it’s just special. Plus, you play with my hair.” You both laughed on your way into the room, Bucky pulling you down onto the bed, right onto his chest._
> 
> _“I thought I said no kinks, James?” You smirked, watching him giggle like a schoolboy as he blushed._
> 
> _“God, I love you.”_

* * *

“Are you sure it’s okay?” You were sitting on the couch, a pillow on your lap, Bucky’s head resting on it. You were delicately trailing your fingers through his hair while a movie played on the screen in front of you.

“It’s very soothing. Never thought this could be so comforting.” You could already hear the sleepiness in Bucky’s voice, and it pulled at your heartstrings; more than you cared to admit.

“Believe me; you’ll love it soon enough.”  _You did before._

* * *

After your peaceful night in with Bucky, the two of you grew closer. It was just like old times; aside from the fact that you weren’t together. But that didn’t really matter anymore.

You’d been spending so much time in the labs with Bruce, Wanda and Clint over the past few months, you became friendly with one of the lab techs who was working on your new suit and weapons. Soon enough, it evolved into something a little more than ‘just friends’, but you both decided to keep it under wraps, especially after Bucky woke up from the coma.

The only person who knew was Wanda, and that was only because you could never hide anything from her. She was beyond ecstatic for you, especially because she could now see that you were serious about what you had said before: you only wanted to be friends with Bucky.

But did he feel the same way?

It’s been eight months since he woke up, and the one person he’s found solace in - besides Steve - is you.

He can’t explain it, but there’s just  _something_  about you that makes him feel at peace, both with himself and this familiar yet strange place he knows is home. He’s drawn to you. Your smile, your laugh, the way your eyes light up whenever you’re genuinely happy.

He’s genuinely happy when he sees you. He can’t stop himself from grinning every time he sees you, even if it’s just for a few moments, in passing. He feels so light, so  _free_.

And it scares him.

He can’t do this. He could never be with you. When Bucky sees you, he sees beauty, happiness, light. When he sees himself, all he can see is a dark abyss, encompassing everything he touches.

He could never be with you, because who could ever want someone as dark and empty as him?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories can be very powerful, helpful, and detrimental. Bucky learns this the hard way.

“You’re sure this isn’t too much?” You stared at the reflection in front of you, concern etched on your face.

“God, stop fussing over my masterpiece! It’s perfect. Besides, don’t you want to go all out?” Natasha peered over your shoulder, her eyes narrowing as you shrugged your shoulders. “Now what?”

“It’s just…I don’t know.” You sighed, shuffling over to your bed, joining Wanda.

“What do you mean, you don’t know? You’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year, Y/N. You’re just now celebrating six months together. How is there a problem?”

“Perhaps she is doing this out of pity?” Wanda mused, not looking up from her book.

“Wanda, no! That’s not it at all!”

“Then what is it? Spill. You better not be pulling some shady shit on Jared, Y/N. He’s a sweet kid,”

“I know that! That’s why I like him!” You clapped your hand over your mouth the moment the words slipped out, your eyes widening as you watched Nat and Wanda stare at you.

“So that’s it, huh? You haven’t said the big three words yet, oh my god.”

“Shut up, Nat. Thankfully, he hasn’t either. I don’t know what I’ll do when he does, though.” Your head fell, your curled hair falling in your eyes as you looked at your hands. You felt Wanda’s hand on your thigh, Nat’s on your shoulder. You sighed, looking up at them both.

“You don’t have to go. Make something up - he’ll understand.”

“No. I’m not going to do that to him. We’ve got a good thing going, and I’m not about to let myself ruin it over something stupid.”

* * *

The party was in full force by the time Steve, Sam, and Bucky arrived. Tony had insisted on throwing the get together, so everyone could meet Y/N’s new ‘boy toy,’ as he called him.

As they made their way to the bar, Bucky couldn’t help but scan the crowd of partygoers, looking for your face.  _Stop it._

He forced himself to look away, only to happen upon the one thing he had been searching for.

“Hey guys!” The look of pure happiness suited you. Bucky couldn’t help but smile as your eyes met, your smile growing even wider. You walked up to him, pecking him on the cheek before pulling away, looking behind you. Bucky followed your gaze, his smile falling as soon as he saw him.

“This is Jared. My boyfriend, not whatever stupid name Stark’s given him. He works in the tech labs, and he’s the one responsible for my kick ass weapons.”

“So what you’re telling me is that he’s a nerd?” Sam laughed as you punched him in the arm, feigning pain as you wrapped an arm around the stranger.

“He’s a genius - my genius.”  _Damn it._

“Nice to meet you, man.” Bucky stuck his flesh hand out, gripping Jared’s tightly before stepping back behind Steve. “I gotta go,” was all he managed to whisper in his ear before slipping into the crowd behind them. Steve turned to stop him, but it was too late. He was gone.

When he turned back around, he knew what had happened.

You were wrapped up in Jared’s arms, not even noticing Bucky had disappeared. A look of radiance gracing you, and Steve could only imagine how much it must’ve hurt for Bucky to see it.

“Hey, I’m so happy for you guys! Look, I’m gonna split just for a bit, but I promise I’ll be right back, alright?” You looked up at Steve, the look of happiness faltering in your eyes as you met his sad, dull ones.

“Yea-yeah, alright. I’m holding you to it, Rogers.” You watched him move through the crowd, heading for the entrance leading to the private floors. You looked around you, only finding Sam, Wanda, Vision, and Nat at the bar.  _Where did he go?_

* * *

Steve found himself on Bucky’s floor, and sad memories came back in full force.

> “He was supposed to meet me 20 minutes ago.” Steve was pacing back and forth in the gym, as you practiced your fighting patterns.
> 
> “I don’t know what to tell you, Steve. He was fine this morning when we got up. Made me breakfast and everything. I left before him, so I have no clue if he’s still on our floor.” You threw one last punch to the bag, causing it to fly off its hook.
> 
> “Nice jab. You’re doing good. Do you mind if I go up there?” You met his gaze, the worry in his eyes clouding his blue irises.
> 
> “Not at all. Just make sure he’s okay. And let me know. Please.”
> 
> “Of course.”

* * *

> When he got off on their floor, it was empty. He walked down the hall, making his way to their bedroom, when he heard a loud crash. Steve ran down the rest of the distance, opening the door to find a distraught Bucky in the middle of the room, his flesh hand bleeding.
> 
> “What the hell, Barnes?” Bucky didn’t even flinch at Steve’s words. He was glued to the spot, his gaze focused on the broken glass everywhere on the bed.
> 
> “James. Look at me.” He snapped up at the sound of his real name, and Steve’s heart felt like it was being picked apart, piece by piece. His blue eyes were bright red, swollen. His lip was bloody, his teeth digging into it even more. The blood dripping down his fingers was slowing, but the pool underneath was still a murky mess.
> 
> “What happened? What’s wrong, Buck?”
> 
> “It-it-it happened _again,_  Steve. I couldn’t stop it, no matter what I tried, I couldn’t make myself  _stop_!” His sobs were breaking Steve’s heart, but he had to make him talk. He had to get it all out of him, no matter what.
> 
> “You couldn’t stop yourself from what?”
> 
> “I was killing her, Steve. I was  _killing_  her. I was watching myself kill her, and I couldn’t stop;I didn’t know how to make it stop!” Bucky looked up at him, and Steve could see the brokenness, the disgust in his eyes.
> 
> “Bucky, come here.” Steve walked towards the bed, motioning for him to walk around the bed. Steve pulled him into his arms, being mindful of his injured hand. He stroked his back, letting him cry into his shoulder as he calmed him down. The somber silence enveloping them was only broken by Bucky’s sniffling and Steve’s voice.
> 
> “You would never hurt her; you know that, right? Never. It’s one of your worst fears brought to life, but just that. A fear. It’s not going to happen, because you won’t let it. I know you, Bucky. You would never hurt someone you love. Especially someone like Y/N.”

Steve pushed away the memories as he made his way to the living room, finding Bucky on the couch, a few beer bottles in front of him. He stayed by the hallway, not wanting to intrude.

“What is it, Steve?” Bucky’s harsh tone put Steve off;  _why was he mad?_

“Are you okay, Buck? You left just after we got to the party, and I know you didn’t mean to be rude-”

“How would you know?” Bucky looked up at him, his teary eyes betraying his hard exterior. Steve sighed, walking over to him. He sat down across from him, watching Bucky stare at his metal arm.

“What’s wrong?”

Bucky sighed, meeting his best friend’s gaze, listening to the quiet whirs of the metal plates as he shifted back against the couch.

“Everything. I’ve been having vivid flashbacks from when I was…well, you know. It’s terrifying.”

“And what has that got to do with Y/N?”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t just up and leave her party because of memories, Buck. You’re stronger than that, I know it. You know it, too. You left because of  _her_.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, grabbing his beer and taking the last swig of it before placing it back on the table.

“Not true.”

“I call bullshit.”

“Don’t push me, Steve.” Bucky frowned, watching as Steve leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him.

“You like her, don’t you? That’s why you left; you couldn’t stand to see her with Jared. When did this happen?” Steve wanted to smile, but for some reason, he couldn’t. He was too scared.

“I don’t like her! And even if I did, I could never have her. She’s too good for me. Too good for anyone, for that matter. No one deserves her.”

“You do.”

Steve silently cursed himself as soon as the words slipped out, his entire body tensing as he watched Bucky react.

“Don’t mess with me, Rogers. This is some serious shit. Y/N would never want to be with someone like me. I’m too fucked up - too dark.”

Steve knew he had to get him to talk, and the only way how was through Y/N. He just hoped to God it would work.

“Then what is she?”

“She’s the goddamn sun, Steve. She’s this bright light that won’t burn out, because everyone loves her warmth, her purity. She’s an angel, for fuck’s sake. And I’m just a haunted demon.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakups, friendships, and flashbacks - can't get better than this.

“Please open the door, Y/N. You can’t stay in there forever.” Wanda pleaded with you, her back against your bedroom door. You were sitting on your bed, surrounded by blankets and piles of used tissues.

Breakups suck, but you already knew that.

* * *

“I’m not Y/N, I don’t know everything! Stop asking me and go talk to her, oh my god,” Natasha groaned, lying down on the couch. Steve, Vision, Sam, and Bucky sat on the opposite side, looking at each other.

“Perhaps I should be the one to ask?” Vision inquired, only to be shut down by a chorus of groaned ‘No!’s from the rest.

Steve stood up from his spot, running his hands through his hair before moving out of the way.

“I’ll talk to her. Or at least try to talk to her.”

“No, leave her be. Wanda’s already stationed herself outside her room; she doesn’t need every single one of us doing the same.” Natasha sat up, leaning against the cushions as she hugged her knees to her chest.

“Long story short - because you don’t need the details, and plus, I’ll want to kill someone if I talk about them - her cheap ass boyfriend cheated on her, and then broke up with her so she would have ‘no reason to hate him’. That was earlier tonight, and mind you, they were about to celebrate their one-year anniversary in two weeks. God, he’s such a fucking dick!” Natasha slammed her fist against the coffee table, a loud splintering sound following as the table dipped inwards.

The group dispersed once Natasha had finally told them, and Steve joined Bucky on his way back to his floor.

“You okay there, Buck?” Steve noticed the pink cheeks after Natasha had told them what happened, and he wanted to make sure his best friend wasn’t planning to do anything.

“Yeah, I’m just fine.”

“You sure?” Bucky looked over at Steve, rolling his eyes before sighing.

“I’ll tell you once we’re downstairs.”

* * *

“I just can’t believe that asshat would do this to her! She doesn’t deserve to be treated like this, at all!” Bucky was practically yelling at the top of his lungs, pacing back and forth in his bedroom, while Steve sat on his bed, patiently listening.

“I’ll admit I’m pissed off, because she is worth so much. She’s perfect. Okay, maybe not perfect, but to me she is. Fuck, I can’t even think straight.”

Steve chuckled at his confession, earning him a glare.

“What’s so funny, Rogers?”

“You’ve barely spoken to her in the past six months, and now that she’s single, she’s got you all tongue-tied. It’s funny, alright?”

“Shut up, punk.” Bucky muttered, lying down on his bed, his arm lying across his chest. “I gotta talk to her now; let her know I’m here for her, if she needs me.”

“And what’ll you do if she does?”

“I’ll treat her the way she deserves.”

* * *

After a week of solitude, you finally come out of your ‘hobbit hole’, as Wanda had named your bedroom. You were grateful to see no one was home, until you stumbled upon Bucky having a late breakfast.

“Good morning, hobbit.”

“Oh god, not you, too.” Bucky chuckled, taking in a big spoonful of his cereal while you trudged around the kitchen, looking for something sweet.

“If you’re looking for donuts or cookies, Wanda and Vision are hoarding them from ya. She knows you too well, doll.” You couldn’t help but whine as you sat down on the stool next to Bucky, resting your head in your hands.

“I’m going to die without sugar.”

“Pretty sure you won’t, Y/N.” You looked up at him, rolling your eyes before tugging on your blanket.

“Just you wait, Barnes. I’ll be shriveled up and dying on the couch next time you see me.” You tried to stifle a giggle, but it was no use once you saw him smile.

“I’m going out to the store soon; I’ll make sure to pick up some ice cream and donuts, just for you. I’m here for you, by the way. Whatever you need.” He said, his hand resting on your shoulder as he rose from his seat. His words took you by surprise, so all you could do was smile and nod as he walked away.

You had forgotten that he was still one of your close friends, especially after everything that had happened.  _He still cares._

* * *

It was Friday night, and it was bar crawl weekend. Fortunately for you, it meant a weekend in bed, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. As soon as everyone left, you raided the kitchen, hoarding all the ice cream pints Bucky had bought you within the past few days. You were excited to spend the night alone, in peace and quiet, until you heard Friday’s voice over the intercom, speaking to someone.

“Stark got Banner to go too? Damn. Well, I’ll be in the gym if you need me, Friday. Let me know about anything.” Bucky’s voice made its way to your ears, and you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling.

You peered into the living room, barely catching his eye as he headed out the doors. You smiled again as he walked over to you, his blue eyes sparkling under the bright lights.

“I didn’t know you were staying in tonight too,” He blushed at your words, looking down at his hands as you leaned against the wall.

“Yeah, bar crawls aren’t really my thing. Besides, I thought this weekend would be perfect for me to catch up on my shows I’ve missed. Lame, I know.” He shifted around, tucking a few loose strands of hair behind his ear, his blush tinting the tips of his ears.

“You’re kidding! That’s what I’m doing too! Haha, wow.” You giggled, trying your best to not embarrass yourself as you thought over what you really wanted to tell him.

“No way! Wow, we were meant to be friends then, huh?” He laughed again, and you knew you had to say it before you lost your chance.

“Do you maybe uh, want to join me? We watch the same shows, plus you’re a furnace, and you’ll be able to keep me warmer than 50 blankets.” You smiled, shyly looking away as you felt a nervous warmth spread all over your face and neck. You felt his hand on your cheek, making you glance up at him. The smile on his face reassured you instantly.

“I’d love to, doll.”

* * *

Four episodes of Game of Thrones later, you were slowly but surely drifting off to sleep. Your head was resting on top of Bucky’s chest, his even breathing and steady heartbeat lulling you to sleep. Your arm was wrapped tightly around his waist, as if you were afraid to let him go. He didn’t mind.

Bucky ran his fingers through your hair, admiring its softness as he felt your chest rise and fall with every breath you took. He wished he could stay like this, with you so close to him, forever. Alas, it was only a wish.

Another hour passed before you were fast asleep, your grip on Bucky looser than before. He wrapped you up in a blanket, carefully resting you against the pillows on your bed. He propped himself up on his elbow, admiring your peacefulness once more before leaving for the night.

Bucky presses a tender kiss to your forehead and cheek, a pink tint returning to his cheeks as he leaned in, hovering above your ear.

“I love you.” He smiled as those three words rolled off his tongue, and he was quite grateful you weren’t awake to see the shaking, nervous state he was in. He rose from the bed, glancing back at you one last time before shutting the door behind him.

Once the door clicked, you smiled, a warm fuzzy feeling flooding every fiber of your body.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you or do you not? Time to find out.

Warm sunlight crept through the slits in your blinds, slowly bringing you back to reality. You stirred slowly, stretching as the streaks of light started to drift onto your bed. You’re smiling, the dream from last night still at the forefront of your mind.

_Bucky saying ‘I love you’._

Even when the thought of it made you happy, you couldn’t help the twinge of heartbreak that accompanied your bliss.

* * *

You were flipping pancakes when you heard a small knock sound from the hall. You looked over, a small smile tugging at the corners of your mouth as you met his blue eyes.

“Morning, sunshine.”

“Good morning, doll. Think you can spare me a pancake or two?” He grinned, making his way over to the fridge as you rolled your eyes.

“I guess I can. Just two? I’ve practically made a dozen already,”

“Even better. Juice or milk?” You glanced over your shoulder, watching him pull out two glasses from the cabinet.

“If you can whip out some chocolate milk, you’ll be my hero.” You heard his sly chuckle, his gaze shifting over to you for a second, a smile gracing his lips.

“Two glasses of chocolate milk, coming right up.”

* * *

You brought the glass container full of pancakes over to the kitchen island, placing two on each plate Bucky set out. You noticed he had pulled out every possible sweet topping for you both, and it made your heart flutter.

Chocolate and maple syrup, honey, chocolate chips, whipped cream, and butter sat before your plates, and you laughed as you watched Bucky smother his pancakes in butter before pouring maple syrup all over them.

“Seriously?”

He had just stuffed his mouth, so all he could do was tilt his head, shrugging his shoulders as he chewed. You stifled another laugh, shaking your head as you poured a spoonful of chocolate chips all over your own stack.

* * *

Once you both finish, Bucky helps you clear the plates, setting them in the sink as you put away the rest of the condiments. He’s already started washing the dishes once you finish, and you try to get him to stop, only for him to stop you.

“No no, I got this. You made breakfast, so it’s the least I can do, doll.”

“Where is all this kindness coming from, Barnes? Let me help, c’mon,” You stood next to him, bumping his hip with your own as you tried to get at the plates in the sink. He bumped you back, giggling as he playfully slapped your hands away.

“No! Now shoo, let me clean.”

You rolled your eyes, patting his shoulders gently before leaving for your room, glancing back at him one more time just before you turned the corner.

* * *

Bucky’s kindness had struck a chord in your heart, and you couldn’t help but think - and hope - that your dream wasn’t really a dream. Maybe he did really say it?  _No, don’t be stupid. There’s no way he could’ve fallen for you. Not again._

But you wanted to know. You weren’t about to drive yourself crazy over something you could get the answer to.

* * *

You had just finished saying goodbye to the team as they headed out for their second night of the bar crawl when Bucky slipped into the kitchen, searching for some midnight snacks. You watched him rummage through the stockpile of food from the couch, completely oblivious to the movie flickering across the giant screen.

“You want anything, doll? Or are ya just gonna keep staring?” He laughed, smirking as he looked over his shoulder at you. You could see a slight blush creeping over his cheeks and it made you giggle.

“How about a repeat of last night, Buck? Game of Thrones and ice cream?” He whipped his head around, a massive smile on his face.

“Oh hell yes, I can never say no to that!”

‘Good! I’ll set everything up then; see you upstairs?”

“Sounds perfect to me.” You laughed, waving goodbye to him as you left the room. As soon as you were gone, Bucky sighed in relief, his nerves getting the best of him.  _I’ve fallen. Hard. I’m so screwed._

* * *

You’ve just finished setting up the tv with the episode you guys left off on when Bucky knocks on your door, his arms full of ice cream pints and spoons. You smile, lending him a helping hand as he makes his way into your room.

You start the night off right, laughing and screaming at the tv, Bucky nearly chucking his spoon at the tv when Joffrey dies. By the time you’ve rolled into season five, Bucky had fallen fast asleep, his arm wrapped around your waist.

You paused the episode, resting your chin on his chest, watching him sleep.

_He’s always looked so peaceful when he’s asleep. The one time he can escape everything that tortures him during the day. Except for the real terrors that only come out at night._

You shake your head, choosing to ignore the little voice in your head screaming at you to remember. You’d rather enjoy the present, the moment here and now, than dwell on painful memories.

You feel your own eyelids grow heavy with sleep, and you decide to give in, just as Bucky slowly begins to stir. You stay quiet, pretending to be asleep, as you feel his arm slowly pull away from you. You shift, curling into his body, and his arm falls back into place. You can’t help but smile at the small gesture, lightly grasping at his t-shirt as you sigh happily.

_She looks like an angel._  Bucky watches your chest rise and fall as you slowly curl up next to him, your hand pulling at his shirt. He blushes, barely tracing his fingers on your bare hip; he’s afraid he’ll wake you, and he doesn’t want to miss his chance of telling you how he feels, again.

He knows it’s pointless really, confessing his love to you when you’re not even awake to hear him, but it lifts a massive weight off his chest when he lets those three small, yet powerful words roll off his tongue.

Those three words are the key to his heart. Bucky’s given you the key to his heart, and you don’t even know it.

He wishes that time would stand still, so the two of you could stay like this, forever. Everything so serene, so  _right._

When he’s with you, every negative thought, every doubt he’s ever held, it all disappears. You shed a brilliant light on his life, and he could never find a way to thank you for it. Loving you would never be enough for him.

Yet, Bucky can’t speak up. He refuses to let anyone take you away from him, and  _that_  is what scares him the most. It’s the reason why he can’t tell you he loves you.

He’ll give you anything and everything; he’d even go so far as to say he’d die for you.

You have his heart. One step closer, and you’ll have his soul, too.

All of this, wrapped up in those three tiny words.

“I love you.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head as a single tear slips away from him. He wipes it away, smiling as he watches you curl into his side once more.  _Please love me, too._

Bucky shifts under your weight, gently moving you to your side of the bed, resting your head on your pillow. He presses one more kiss to your cheek, longing to do more than just that. Finally he rises, casting one last glance in your direction before he goes, shutting the door.

Once you hear the elevator doors close, your eyes flutter open, your heart racing a mile a minute.

_He loves me. He said he_ loves _me._

What to do now was the first question that came to mind. The second was not as gentle on your heart. Do  _I love him?_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True love always shines through.

The passage of time has always been an intriguing concept.

How minutes turn into hours; hours into days; days into weeks. Weeks into months.

Months.

His three words have haunted every waking thought of yours for the past four  _months_ , and you have yet to do a single thing about it.

Months.

It’s been four months since he let those three words - the keys to his heart - roll off his tongue. At this point, he thinks he’s gone crazy - psychotic, even.

Your image, your voice, your  _heartbeat_ have haunted his mind for weeks on end, and all he can do is torture himself with memories of you in his arms, a pure smile invoking his own.

It  _kills_  him to just think about it, but when he does have you in his arms? The man is a goner.

Lost in a hazy daydream, where he’s the one you want. The one you love with everything you have.

He rakes over your image every time you’re with him; you are a work of art that he never wants to stop looking at.

He drinks in your scent every time you rest your head on his chest; a soft, warm vanilla overwhelming every part of him.

He can never get enough of you - Bucky Barnes is a selfish man, and you’ve made him this way, without even knowing.

He’s lost himself in you. He’s drowning in his love for you, but he doesn’t want to be saved. You are a warm beacon of light that swallows the bitter blackness consuming his soul, showing him what happiness and love is truly like.

He would be lost without you, and you without him.

Two halves of a whole, dare say,  _soulmates._

No.

Your heart is lost in the sea of unknown, even if it does know one thing for sure.  _You’re still in love with Bucky._

That fact scares you. You’ve been down this road once before, and you’ve already seen how it turns out. Why risk it all again?

* * *

It’s been over a year, but it’s finally happened. Bucky is going on his first mission. Very simple, very quick. You bury your fears as you give him a hug goodbye, promising not to watch Game of Thrones without him, and his dopey smile has got your heart racing faster than when you actually run.

Not even four hours pass before you finally get the nerve to do what’s always been needed to be done.

* * *

“Come in!” Steve’s masked voice sounds through his bedroom door, your hand already on the handle as you hear his words. You take a deep breath, trying your best to calm your racing thoughts as you cross the threshold, meeting his warm blue eyes.

“Hey there, doll, what can I do for you?” He’s drying his hands with a towel, and you recognize it as the same one he gave you to dry your face after crying on that fateful night. You wince at the memory, pushing it away as you sit on the edge of Steve’s bed, hands resting in your lap.

Steve notices your fallen expression, choosing to sit next to you, his gaze never falling from you.

“What’s wrong, Y/N? Are you okay?”

“Steve…I’m still in love with him.” Your voice was barely a whisper, and you regretted the words as soon as they fell past your lips. You wanted to take it all back the moment you met his gaze. His expression was unreadable -  _was he mad? Upset? Happy?_

The silence between you grew, his gaze falling away from you as he debated with himself. Finally, Steve breaks it.

“Is that…is that a good or bad thing, Y/N?” You freeze, your heartbeat racing even when everything has come to a standstill.

_Is it good or bad?_

“I-I don’t even know. I mean, what do you think? Clearly, it has to be a bad thing, considering this has all happened before already. History is repeating itself, and what’s the saying? Learn from the past, or something like that? God, I’m such an idiot. I knew this would happen, but still, I buried the feelings, and just went along as if everything would turn out differently. How stupid was that? And now, here I am, torn between letting myself be happy or making myself suffer. I think I like to do that. The ‘making myself suffer’. I’m so scared, Steve. What if everything happens exactly like last time? We get together, we’re happy. Then something happens, and he can’t do it anymore? Shatters my fucking heart to bits, all the while he goes out, fine and dandy, like I never mattered. Fucking hell.”

You stop rambling as you feel hot tears streak down your cheeks, your buried emotions crawling back from the black hole you had tossed them into.

_He’s hurting you all over again. Your love for him is killing you._

You don’t even realize Steve’s said something until he rests his hand over yours, softly calling your name.

“What-what? Sorry.”

“No need to apologize, doll. I was just saying, well, more to myself, that I think you’re missing some of the story.” Your sadness washes away as a tide of confusion and nerves overcomes you.

“How-what do you mean by that? What story? What am I missing?” You pull away from him, your stare boring into his eyes as he sighs.

“The reason why he ended it, Y/N. He may have told you one thing, but it was a bullshit cover for what he was doing.”

“Spit it out, Rogers.” He holds his hand up, nodding as a sad smile flickers across his face.

“He was scared of losing you. With this job, why wouldn’t he be? It’s just that, well… He wasn’t just scared, he was mortified. After your surgery, he spent every second with you. Hell, he was there, watching Helen save your life, right in front of his own eyes. He’s traumatized, but you already know that. Bucky’s got too many demons. You’ve barely scratched the surface with him. Therein lies the problem. He loves you so much, yet he can’t let you in. No matter how much trust, how much faith and love he has in you, he lacks that in himself,”

You opened your mouth to speak, but Steve shook his head.

“That’s not it. He  _hates_ himself, Y/N. You think you understand that, but you really don’t. Neither do I, for that matter. It’s rooted deep in his soul. He can’t escape it. After you got hurt, he blamed himself. God knows why, but he couldn’t see past the blind hatred he holds in his heart. He told me he couldn’t risk losing you. His exact words were  _‘The day I lose her, is the day you lose me.’_  Can you imagine? His love for you made him push you away. He didn’t think he deserved you. Said you were worthy of so much more than him.”

Hate. Fear.

One could not exist without the other, and they were the epicenter of Bucky’s soul. You knew this. It was the first thing you had learned about him.

He hated himself.  _Loathed_  his existence, both as James Buchanan Barnes and the Asset.

He thought he deserved nothing more than the worst possible.

You proved him wrong.

Or so you thought.

“Oh my god. I-I don’t know what to do. I’m scared, oh fuck, I am so scared, Steve.” Your eyes meet, and you can tell he’s just as scared as you. He holds your hands in his, stroking your knuckles as he mumbles something to himself.

“This decision - I can’t make it for you, doll, and you know that. My advice - if you’re scared that all the terrible things will happen again, convince him he’s worth it. Bucky still hates himself, and he doesn’t think he deserves you. You have to do what’s best for you and Bucky, Y/N. That’s all I can say.”

You sit in silence for what feels like an eternity, repeating Steve’s words as you tried to sort out your feelings.  _You have to do what’s best for you both. What is the best?_

You finally come to a decision, and your chest heaves as you try to hold back a sob, the words barely coming out.

“I-I think I know what I have to do.”

* * *

It’s been a week since you spoke to Steve, and the team has come together for a party tonight. You politely decline the invitation, opting to stay in for the first time in months. It comes as no surprise to you when you hear Bucky arguing with Sam and Tony, telling them he’s not interested. You smile as your gazes meet, and your heart flutters for a split second as he grins, his eyes lighting up. You point downstairs, flashing 3 fingers at him. He nods, understanding. Your room, three minutes or he’ll miss the intro of Game of Thrones. You laugh, leaving before Sam and Tony spot you.

You’ve got everything set up, even when you know it’s not what you’ll be doing the minute Bucky walks into the room.

Your hands are shaking, and you’ve bitten your tongue in an attempt to stop the tears from welling up. Your breaths are unsteady, practically caught in your throat when you hear a knock.

“Come in,” You say, words heavy as you turn away from the door, afraid of what will happen the moment Bucky sees you.

“Hey there, is everything good to go? We missin’ anything?” You can hear the happiness in his voice, and it makes everything hurt even more.

“James, I have to ask you something, if-if that’s okay?” Your voice cracks, and you know you’re done for when you feel his arms wrap around your waist.

“What’s wrong?” He whispers, his voice soft in your ear as he holds you against his chest.

“I need you to be honest. No bullshit, just the truth.”

“Anything you ask.”  _Fucking hell. I am going to regret this._  You take a deep breath, closing your eyes as you say the words that will tear him in two.

“Do you love me? Are you in love with me, James?”  A quiet sob slips out, and you don’t even try to stop him as he spins you around, cupping your face in his hands. The look on his face is a mix of fear, shock,  _love_. He smiles for a moment, wiping away your fallen tears before looking away, his hair falling in front of his face.

“I love you. How did you guess that, doll?”

“Why?” The word leaves you before you can even think about it, and your heart breaks at the look on his face.

“Why…why what?”

“Why do you love, Bucky? What is it about me that has you thinking that?” You can tell your words have struck a chord in his heart by the way his eyes fall, his lip caught in his teeth.

“What sort of question is that, Y/N?”

“Just answer, please.”

“I love you for  _you_. Your smile, your eyes, your laugh…the list is endless, doll. I love the way you light up a room with just your smile. I love the way I feel safe in your arms. The way you look at me almost stops my heart.”

His words do anything but make you smile. Your chest feels like there’s an elephant sitting on it, your breathing short as you lock eyes with Bucky.

“I love you, James. I do, I really do.” His eyes light up, a smile dawning on his lips, only for you to bring everything crashing down with a single finger to his lips.

“I love you. You love me. We want to be together. We deserve to be together, goddamn it. We deserve to be happy, to live a life where we can’t get enough of each other, even when we live together.  _You_ deserve all of this. And so much more, James. But we can’t.” You pause, your voice cracking under the weight of your emotions as they begin to eat away at your heart. He lets out a quiet whimper, his fingers digging into your hips as he silently begs you to keep talking.  _He needs to know._

“We’ve found each other. We’re happy. In love. I wish that was enough, Bucky, I really do,”

“Y/N,  _please_.” A sob rips its way from his throat, his words barely there as he cries. You meet his teary, sad eyes, smiling weakly as you cup his face in your hands. He leans into your touch, and it takes every ounce of your self-restraint not to kiss him.

“We can’t be together. Not like this. You are an incredible man, someone capable of so much love, so much  _good_. You deserve everything the world has to offer. You deserve my love. My everything, James. Still, I can’t.  _We_  can’t. You don’t trust yourself. You don’t love yourself. When the bad things happen - when one of us gets hurt, when one of us inevitably doesn’t make it back - what will become of the other? James, until you trust yourself - until you know you are not the Asset, but a man deserving of everything good in this world, someone who trusts his own soul - we cannot be together. We will be happy, until the tide brings something terrifying. And I’d rather crave for a life of endless love and happiness than one where we live in fear, doubt,  _hatred_. I love you, James. You have my heart. You always have, and you always will.”

Your words hit him like a train. You  _love_  him. Yet he can’t have you. You won’t have him, because you believe that somehow, he is a man capable of being more than he’s ever known.

“Your love is all I want. Forever and always, Y/N. Whatever it takes.”

You meet Bucky’s gaze once again, noting the strong, resolute look in his eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m nothing without you.”

“That’s what we need to fix.”

* * *

Love.

Something that takes ahold of your heart, your soul, in the moment you least expect it to. It captures you, controlling every thought, every smile, every single beat of your heart. You will never feel whole again.

Hatred.

Something so vile, so raw, it eats away at every part of you until there is nothing left. It pulls you deep into the black abyss, drowning you in your worst pain.

Which would you rather have?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed this series, it's one of my favorites i've written! xx

**Author's Note:**

> new chapters will be posted every other day; please let me know what you think!


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